Pregnancy Train

One girl's quest to find happiness in life, love, and career……..

As this 2014-2015 school year wraps I am reminded that I have only 3 years left of living with  Taylor. I feel like a balloon losing air. Close to resting but not quite ready. My refreshments are dwindling. Taylor is leaving and I am sad, excited, nervous, happy and meloncholic. My first love is ready to spread her wings. The first girl I ever loved…….

Advertisements

No Love

Every secret, weakness I shared has been used against me. I can’t feel safe. My vulnerabilities are exploited. I am all I have or at least it seems. I close off because there is no safe place. My words aren’t heard. My feelings aren’t respected as valuable  because I have shared. A better me is free. My story never ends……..

When pessimism becomes optimism

Right now while everything in the world seems to be crashing, I feel more steady than ever. I feel that out of all the chaos going on around us, something great must develop. New eyes and previously ignored views are being applied to old unresolved issues. Now, we are growing.

image

Thirty-Five or something

Tomorrow is my birthday, my 35th birthday. This year unlike previous years I am not as melancholic about it. I joked with my girlfriends after my 25th birthday that I would not be having any more birthdays but instead anniversaries.  Each year after my 25th birthday I started getting very anxious as the winter of my next birthday approached. I would literally make myself sick thinking about how the seasons were so much like life and that each year my springs and summers were getting shorter and shorter making my fall and winter longer. I would lay awake at night wondering when my time would come, when I would just not wake up. Yes! all this after turning 25 so to my surprise as I turn 35 quite the opposite is becoming true for me.

I have not moved away from the analogous way in which I compare life to seasons; however, I have began to view the seasons as metaphoric for where I am in life. Currently I am living in spring. Spring is a time of newness, washing away of the old and preparing for whats coming. And while I don’t profess to have this aging thing figured out I know what it’s not about!

Happy birthday to me!

Moving On

When I started blogging I was broken beyond recognition. I could not have imaged the future waiting ahead of me. Today the goals are to let go of the story so it helps others, tell the truth of it to myself and to continue growing knowing there will be other trains, none of which I am eternally a passenger on.

Forgeries of Happiness

When things fell away I was encouraged to address the truth of everything. I’ve loved but haven’t felt. I never considered the consequences of my actions until those consequences were applied. I hurt him with my amazingly complicated and selfish blind love.

I loved him on my terms and my terms were blurred. I filled every hurt, every misunderstanding with things and understanding. Blindly I kept loving him with no regard for how he felt; after all if I felt love wasn’t this indeed love. Isn’t my love his love? Blindly I answered yes and continued to fill our vacancies.

No Pity Parties!

I woke up this morning feeling amazingly aware of all that was imperfect in my life. Everything just seemed to crash which is strange because I don’t recall feeling the weight of anything.

I have been so busy trying to make everything work that I haven’t had an opportunity to appreciate all that I am trying to make work; Somehow acknowledging my feelings seems pitiful. How dare I complain about what life is offering me. I am not so many negatives things nor am I in any negative place yet I am overwhelmed.

And just as I was about to lose my physical composure in the office ladies room I realized the back of my skirt was tucked in my belt. My behind had been half exposed since I left home this morning. No time for crying this is too funny to be sad so I laugh at myself. God makes sure there is never time for pity parties in my life.

But I still wonder if I should have cried.

What’s in you is greater than what you’re in!

Nickie

Becoming

I’ve been on a search for me for a while. Occasionally it seems as if I’ve found me until I realize I was never without me. Often I’ve denied myself the full experience of being me. I’ve tried to fit neatly into the boxes of life. But no one box fits me.

My life, all lives, are filled with varying characteristics, experiences and attributes that some how work to create the individual. 

Today I am more me than ever simply because I know that I don’t have to be one thing. I’ve spent a few years toiling over my beliefs. I’ve felt bad for toiling. I’ve felt hypocritical. I’ve felt disconnect and confused. I’ve felt undeserving. I’ve felt all this because I wanted to find me.

I’ve doubted my beliefs because I wasn’t secure in them as they existed. My belief in God has been tested. Was i believing out of obligation? Or out of habit. Was I using my belief or lack of to cower away from some social responsibility?

I was raised Christian. I’ve been in church more of life than not. By attempting to know and believe God for myself I felt I was betraying my past. I spent months, maybe even a year wondering whether or not I believed in God.

I didn’t realize until I heard Dani Shapiro say on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday,  she “believed in God, just differently that her predecessors”, that a different way of believing was okay. Those words spoke to my soul.

Her words didn’t just align my feelings and clarify my ability to believe differently. She challenged me to action. You see prior to seeing her on SSS I’d almost given up on believing. What was the use if I didn’t believe as I was taught. Now the necessity is apparent.

I believe. I always have believed. My belief empowers me to believe differently. I not shackled to a burdensome system which only limits and punishes. My belief in God encourages growth and supports betterment. What I thought was a test was an opportunity to really be better than I was.

Peripheral Lessons

Every lesson comes with extras. The extras can prove be as valuable as the primary lesson.

While trying to conceive I had many extras. I know they were necessary stops on our journey. All the hurts taught me that real love really is endless.

Real love never ends; real love grows.

Post Navigation