I’ve been on a search for me for a while. Occasionally it seems as if I’ve found me until I realize I was never without me. Often I’ve denied myself the full experience of being me. I’ve tried to fit neatly into the boxes of life. But no one box fits me.
My life, all lives, are filled with varying characteristics, experiences and attributes that some how work to create the individual.
Today I am more me than ever simply because I know that I don’t have to be one thing. I’ve spent a few years toiling over my beliefs. I’ve felt bad for toiling. I’ve felt hypocritical. I’ve felt disconnect and confused. I’ve felt undeserving. I’ve felt all this because I wanted to find me.
I’ve doubted my beliefs because I wasn’t secure in them as they existed. My belief in God has been tested. Was i believing out of obligation? Or out of habit. Was I using my belief or lack of to cower away from some social responsibility?
I was raised Christian. I’ve been in church more of life than not. By attempting to know and believe God for myself I felt I was betraying my past. I spent months, maybe even a year wondering whether or not I believed in God.
I didn’t realize until I heard Dani Shapiro say on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, she “believed in God, just differently that her predecessors”, that a different way of believing was okay. Those words spoke to my soul.
Her words didn’t just align my feelings and clarify my ability to believe differently. She challenged me to action. You see prior to seeing her on SSS I’d almost given up on believing. What was the use if I didn’t believe as I was taught. Now the necessity is apparent.
I believe. I always have believed. My belief empowers me to believe differently. I not shackled to a burdensome system which only limits and punishes. My belief in God encourages growth and supports betterment. What I thought was a test was an opportunity to really be better than I was.